I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
So is there a reason your dad is passed out naked in my shower? P.S. Congrats on the family dong.
I didn't get it..
I'm sorry. But to the original question please.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
Randomize
