@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
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