I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Everything about him screamed your future.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
