I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
