38 yer olds are good kisserssss
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
