There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
