i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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