**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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