just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Randomize
