the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Randomize
