So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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