I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize