It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
