why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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