where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
