you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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