You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
