Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Randomize
