Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Randomize
