Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Randomize
