remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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