I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I still have a little drunk in my system
You ate ashes out of my bong
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
