When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
