I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
