MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Randomize
