if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
