I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
