She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
she told me i tasted like america
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Randomize
