You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
