mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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