so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize