There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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