seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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