Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
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