If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
