I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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