dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Randomize
