Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
