Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
