My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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