i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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