just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Randomize
