Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
