I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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