I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
