when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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