I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Randomize
