Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
