I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
