he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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