Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
