you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize