I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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