so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Randomize
