I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
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