You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize