I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
