after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
