that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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