Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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