I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Randomize
