got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
You can't just leave with hair like that
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
