I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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