I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Randomize
