I think I died a long time ago.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
