3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
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